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Welcome to Winter Winds. Please read the Community's userinfo for more information.
Current Month
Dec. 20th, 2005 @ 02:53 pm It's so soon
Current Mood: numb
My grandmother would have had her birthday today. It's not enough that we lost her during the Christmas season, but we're reminded so soon that she's gone, that we can't celebrate anything with her again.

I remember one year I made a bouquet of origami flowers for her. All different colors... and I had some shiny paper that I could use for flowers and stems. She still had them. I remember seeing them in a vase one of the last times I went over to her house.

She's really gone...
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One without a name
Dec. 17th, 2005 @ 07:24 pm (no subject)
This is the eulogy I delivered this morning at church during my dad's memorial service. I won't say what just about everyone told me about it afterwards, as it reeks of immodesty and this isn't the place or time for it.

written through tearsCollapse )

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spn--trio eyes
Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 09:09 am Thank you for this...
Current Mood: remembering
Linked in my mind.Collapse )
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Green tea: genmaicha
Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 10:40 pm This community...
Current Mood: grieving
Sounds like a good idea to me. My luck finally ran out with not having any somber occasions near any major holidays.

Then my dad died last Sunday, December 11th. One minute he was here, being visited by a friend and going out to run the slowblower, and then in the blink of an eye (or what seemed like one) he was gone. No time for goodbyes. He fell over and that was it. No pulse, no heartbeat, no response. He was as good as dead before my mother made it down to the end of the driveway, though it was CPR on the sidewalk, fifteen minutes of the same in an ambulance, and a trip to the hospital and a long wait for my mother and I before we knew that.

In a lot of ways my life hasn't really changed. I get up in the morning, I've been going to work during the day this week, I eat lunch, I listen to the Who at night, play my bass, laugh with my friends, snuggle my kitties, read books, and sleep.

Then I go into the office, or the TV room, or the basement, and I see something of his—a belt, a coat, a tool, even a used ashtray—and it all hits me. And while I have been, in a rather mercenary fashion, adding up all the "benefits"—never having him yell at me again, never having to put up with his double standards, his put-downs, his griping, or his interruptions, not having to hide my snacks or justify buying things—I keep thinking of all the things I've lost; long conversations about movies or books, his honest interest in what I had to say about writing or literature, his stories, his jokes, his habit of buying things I really needed or wanted on a whim, his enthusiasm for my education and the pride that he didn't show but certainly had . . . I don't think any amount of freedom from the minor gripes and problems I had with him could ever fill the void he's left behind.

In many ways I am incredibly, extremely angry. I didn't get to say goodbye, and I sure as hell had no time to prepare. You're not supposed to lose someone like that. You're supposed to be able to tell them the most important things. It's not right and it's not fair.

And naturally, all this has completely soured the Christmas season for me. The songs ring empty and hollow now, like the hole in the middle of my chest.
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spn--trio eyes
Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 10:42 pm (no subject)
I wanted to post this separately, not as a comment to tears_priestess, because it comes off like, "Let's bring the conversation back to me." When really, sometimes, one would rather not.
Cut for lengthCollapse )
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crow skull
Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 08:26 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: sad
Thanks, Zanne. I like this idea.

2005 has been a pisser of a year for me. Back in April I lost my grandfather, and then in September we put our cat to sleep. My grandmother had gotten really sick at the beginning of December, and I had the feeling we wouldn't have her much longer.

On December 5th, I kept having this feeling each elderly man was my grandfather coming up to the kiosk I work at. The men never looked like him, but it felt like him each time.

On December 6th, my grandmother died.

I was angry when my grandmother got sick. I had the feeling of "Well, Merry FUCKING Christmas to you too." But when my mother woke me up to say she was dead... I was numb. I couldn't cry. I laid there, pulling my mom down to cry against my shoulder, and I couldn't cry myself. And I still can't cry.

I keep saying I feel like everything's not in its right spot. Like I was shifted over a centimeter to the left while everything else stayed where it was. I still can't really mourn them. I woke up when my alarm when off on the 6th and went to work. I still wake up when my alarm goes off, I still go out and do things with my family, but the world just doesn't seem right.

And I just wish I could cry.
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One without a name
Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 06:47 pm Icebreaker
Current Mood: calm
Hi, I'm the mod.

I really don't know how much support or input I'll have on things here as I've never been here before. I run the comm though, because of that reason. There's a limit what I can do to help friends of mine, and what I can do is provide a place for people to meet others who are going through the same thing.

If you have any problems with trolls, flamers, harrassing comments, etc, or have a dispute with another member, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me about it. If you get a comment you'd like deleted from your post, give me a chance to see it first and then I'll delete it if needs be - sometimes I might find something worthy of reporting to LJAbuse and we kinda need the evidence. ^_^;

So anyhow... um... ::gestures around:: the comm's for y'all. Make yourselves at home. There's some punch and eCookies by the door. ^_^
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Heart of glass