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Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 08:26 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: sad
Thanks, Zanne. I like this idea.

2005 has been a pisser of a year for me. Back in April I lost my grandfather, and then in September we put our cat to sleep. My grandmother had gotten really sick at the beginning of December, and I had the feeling we wouldn't have her much longer.

On December 5th, I kept having this feeling each elderly man was my grandfather coming up to the kiosk I work at. The men never looked like him, but it felt like him each time.

On December 6th, my grandmother died.

I was angry when my grandmother got sick. I had the feeling of "Well, Merry FUCKING Christmas to you too." But when my mother woke me up to say she was dead... I was numb. I couldn't cry. I laid there, pulling my mom down to cry against my shoulder, and I couldn't cry myself. And I still can't cry.

I keep saying I feel like everything's not in its right spot. Like I was shifted over a centimeter to the left while everything else stayed where it was. I still can't really mourn them. I woke up when my alarm when off on the 6th and went to work. I still wake up when my alarm goes off, I still go out and do things with my family, but the world just doesn't seem right.

And I just wish I could cry.
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Date:December 16th, 2005 03:41 am (UTC)
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I'm so sorry for your losses. All of them -- the cat is important, too.

That sense of the world seeming wrong is not always so sharply present, but is often subtly there. As it should be, if you loved those you lost. It's a different world for you now.
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Date:December 16th, 2005 04:32 am (UTC)
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Until the numbness fades enough to cry, I'll be crying for you, which I'm doing now. ::HUGS::