Thanks, Zanne. I like this idea.
2005 has been a pisser of a year for me. Back in April I lost my grandfather, and then in September we put our cat to sleep. My grandmother had gotten really sick at the beginning of December, and I had the feeling we wouldn't have her much longer.
On December 5th, I kept having this feeling each elderly man was my grandfather coming up to the kiosk I work at. The men never looked like him, but it felt like him each time.
On December 6th, my grandmother died.
I was angry when my grandmother got sick. I had the feeling of "Well, Merry FUCKING Christmas to you too." But when my mother woke me up to say she was dead... I was numb. I couldn't cry. I laid there, pulling my mom down to cry against my shoulder, and I couldn't cry myself. And I still can't cry.
I keep saying I feel like everything's not in its right spot. Like I was shifted over a centimeter to the left while everything else stayed where it was. I still can't really mourn them. I woke up when my alarm when off on the 6th and went to work. I still wake up when my alarm goes off, I still go out and do things with my family, but the world just doesn't seem right.
And I just wish I could cry.